ASS-id Flashback: A Tale of Two Shitties Part II

If you are reading this whilst eating, you may wanna skip it altogether.

I will keep the second part of this uber-mini-series brief, as it's really all about the ending. Fuck. Was that an accidental pun? I love those! Anyhoo, I was returning home from Seattle with my bandmates and a couple of girls we met at a show at the Off Ramp. We were all going on around no hours or so of sleep. I was coming down from what could be considered a pretty low high and John, the drummer, was "riding the snake" on many hits of pink dot acid. I have only taken acid 5 times in my whole life, and it was usually pink dot. These were little white tablets with......pink dots. Drug dealers should never be expected to be very creative.

John was feeling his acid pretty much full-on. He was also feeling up the girl that was sitting on his lap. I remember feeling ill-at ease about this situation due to the blatant lack of automobile safety involved. I've never claimed to be very rock-n-roll. To this day, I could not tell you the name of the girl but she was very pretty. I have no idea how she planned on getting back home to Seattle.

Steve was at the wheel of his uncle's car (this car was a depressingly large part of my youth) and some other girl was in the front passenger seat. Which left me to cuddle in the backseat with the grope-tastic duo.

John asked steve to pull over so he could "empty the tank". We were somewhere over Blewett Mountain Pass and there were many cars on the highway but no shortage of trees to hide behind.

Steve pulled onto the shoulder and John headed for the woods. A few seconds later he emerges from the dense greenery and yells "false alarm. sorry mangs." still zipping his fly. He repositioned the pretty girl securely onto his lap in the backseat and we were on our way again.

About ten minutes down the line, John said "What the fuck? I think I gotta stop again, mangs."

We all groaned. Steve pulled back onto the shoulder and John once again vanished into the forest. This time he was in there for about 15 minutes before Steve finally honked the tinny horn of his borrowed uncle's car. John stumbled out of the woods looking quite disoriented. He slowly walked toward the car and climbed in onto the pretty girl's lap. She laughed at first but when he didn't get off her, she politely shoved him off. They switched places and we were once again on the road.

Unbelievably, not 10 minutes later we were back on the side of the road. "I don't feel right, mangs. Not one fuckin' bit of me fuckin' feels right." John moaned as he climbed out of the car. He started pulling his trousers down and ran in front of the parked vehicle and toward the highway. Steve honked the tinny horn but John paid it no mind. It seems that in his drug induced confusion, he was thinking that he needed to use the car for privacy from the busy highway. But he was on the wrong side of the car.

He crouched down against the rear wheel............no....no I musn't.....anyhoo, I looked down to witness what appeared to be a very constipated drummer on acid trying desperately to shit on a car. He was failing, however, and after what seemed like a "college try" length of time, he gave up. He yelled a few curses that I could not quite discern over the noise of the highway, and stood up with his trousers still in utility mode. He bent over to pull them up. As he did, his ass exploded onto my window (thank Sweet Jesus it was rolled up) and in an instant my world went figuratively and literally, dark.

Once the initial shock of the 'sideways shit storm' began to fade, we all exited the soiled vehicle to ponder the shitty situation. John was laughing so hard that he was choking for oxygen. Steve walked away from the scene of he crime as not to vomit. The girls were laughing but I got the feeling that inside, they were clicking the hell at of their ruby-red heels. When John finally compsed himself, we forced him to clean his ass pudding from the window. Steve drove home at around 106 mph as to keep the smell as far behind us as possible at all times.

There is no real punchline here folks. I just wanted it on the record.